A Devil’s Bedpost of Terrible Afrikaans Songs (Not for Bridge, Ever)

I’ve seen a handful of message board posts, social media discussions and Reddit threads about bridge and appropriate playlists. (Thanks to the ones who mentioned the introduction of Black Sabbath – and don’t forget about their album entitled “13”!) 

It’s inspired me to take a closer look at my own music playlist when playing bridge. I’ve come up with some good ones, and I’m still open to suggestion for more great tracks just in case anyone has further ideas.

It’s also inspired me to come up with the following: the anti-playlist.

Now, one of the languages I speak is Afrikaans. It has great music (see Karen Zoid, Koos Kombuis, Johannes Kerkorrel, Amanda Strydom), but it also happens to have a lot of questionable tracks.

And as an early warning, here are some of the worst Afrikaans songs I could track down that should be universally avoided within earshot of bridge.

Even if you might not speak the language, well, just look.

Could you warn me about any others, just in case? 

(Oh, yeah. I’m sorry. Own opinion of the writer, no lawsuits, all of that.) 

Why the Devil’s Bedpost? That, by the way, is the nickname given to the four of clubs

Here follows 4 of the worst songs you’ll ever hear.

#1: Die Briels

The “Briels” are an Afrikaans sing-song group that achieved their fame (at least locally) between XX and XX.

They’re notable because of the fact that most of their songs were really, really morbid in nature. I’d go as far as to say parody-like, except for them not being kidding (even remotely) about the dark subject nature of most of their music.

The song in question is pretty dark.

I can’t remember what it was called (and someone, please help), but the subject matter is burned into my brain forever.

Parents leave their children at home for a night out on the town. In their absence, their house burns down – and, well, the song is the slow, funeral march of an ensuing result.

Oh, man, just no.

#2: Skilpadtepel

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I’m not just picking on the artist. (And I can’t, I certainly haven’t sold any albums.) 

Translated, the lyrics refer to the first rain after a long drought occurring on a desolate farm. It’s meant to be inspirational. Now, here’s the thing: the farm is named “tortoise nipple.” 

People have always historically named their farms something eponymous, weird or sometimes funny. 

What was the logic behind this – and why not choose literally anything else in the world for this song? 

#3: Skarumba

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Now, the song Ska’rumba is going to make no sense if you’ve never heard it before. (And if you have, the exact same thing is going to be true.) 

The word means nothing. Even if you speak Afrikaans or any of the world’s other languages, it means absolutely sweet nothing-at-bloody-all. The rest of the lyrics aren’t enlightening either, but hints at something about catching a fish.

It’s much like the infamous Numa Numa song.

I’ve seen people literally dancing their pants off to this, and I’ve never been entirely sure why.

#4: Kielie My Voete

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When people make it big, there’s always something small in their past that comes back to bite them in the back when they’re a little more well-known. (Remember the partial cast from Friends and their VHS presentation about using Windows? Yeah, like that.) 

For South African singer Gerhard Steyn who has had many hits that weren’t this, there was exactly this.

The song invites the listener to “tickle their feet”; an invitation I wouldn’t even accept from Mick Jagger or Ozzy Osbourne at the height of their fame and album sales.

No matter how many times I’ve seen this and how many years have passed between those times, this is still absolutely terrible. Don’t play it during bridge.

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