Behaviours at the bridge table can fall into two possible categories: the things that are questionable, and the things that are unacceptable.

Questionable things might get you a couple of weird looks. At worst, doing questionable things at the bridge table could get you a reputation for being The Weird Player Who Does That Thing. Maybe you dress up as a Victorian vampire for every bridge game that takes place on a full moon, or you have a weird love for pre-game mints that knocks breath away.

Questionable things can sometimes also be called eccentric ones in some circumstances. But questionable things – for the most part – can’t get you banned.

The other category, unacceptable things, is what this post is about.

Unacceptable things will get the player a few warnings, and an eventual (or immediate) ban.

What are the things that you absolutely shouldn’t do at an online game or bridge club? Here’s a quick look at 3 bridge table behaviours to avoid if you’d prefer a happy game.

1. Distracting Conversation

Conversation that deliberately attempts to distract an opponent from their game is an illegal move. There’s even a name for it: coffeehousing. The term originates from card games in coffeehouses, where talking at the table was more common than at formal games.

What’s misleading conversation?

It’s fine to ask how the kids are doing, but it’s not okay to quote obscure Beatles lyrics when you know that your opponent is trying to concentrate. Coffeehousing is not conversation, but a deliberate act!

Don’t do it!

2. Veiled Insults

Insults are illegal, and it’s obvious that they are. If you’ve just lost and insult your opponent straight into their graves, expect at least a temporary ban from the bridge table. More permanent bans are possible if the event was memorably severe, or a repeat offense.

But what about insults that don’t seem like ones… At first?

Veiled insults are ones that are a little more difficult to spot.

“I love your hair, but oh, God! Where on Earth did that dress come from?”

It started with a compliment, but you can practically feel the venom oozing from the last part of the sentence. Unfortunately, I’ve seen this happen often.

Covert insults are still insults, and won’t go well at any bridge game.

3. Loud Snacking

Bridge clubs have rules regarding snacks, but online bridge and streaming now means that club rules could be harder to enforce. If you have the need to snack during a bridge game (especially for health reasons), do it!

But here’s a tip: microphones pick up everything.

If you’re recording/streaming (or for that matter, if someone has a hearing aid at the game), the sound of the packaging sounds so, so much worse.

Just throw your chosen snack into a container. Get rid of the foil. Nobody likes the sound of foil.

Has anyone been banned from a bridge game for a pack of crisps? Officially, I don’t know, but I won’t be surprised if it happens soon.

Do you have any unacceptable pet peeves at the bridge table?