Movies like Independence Day, District 9 and Mars Attacks! tells us that final contact with extraterrestrials is probably inevitable. There’s an entirely serious branch of the UN that deals with the possibility of contact and outlines several plans for the way forward – but what if mankind’s plans for extraterrestrial contact involved contract, too?

Here are a few things that we might have to figure out upon landing.

We Assume They’re Intelligent and Look Like Us – We Could Be Wrong

The majority of space invasion movies assumes that extraterrestrials are intelligent and look more or less like us with the same amount of legs and eyes. For movies, this is greatly convenient and might even save some of the CGI budget, but we could also be wrong.

If extraterrestrials developed on different planets and in different environments, why don’t most movies assume they look like us – and what do we do if the first species that lands here all resemble cockroaches that don’t care for cards or negotiation? 

Step One: It’s Not the Same Kind of Bridge

If extraterrestrials landed in the backyard of the local bridge club, the first thing we’d have to explain is the meaning of the word bridge.

There’s Nelson Mandela bridge, Golden Gate bridge – and then there’s contract and auction. One of them is acceptable to crash land a plane on, the other one is a game played with a card deck.

Clarify the Card Deck Fast

We can largely skip the explanation of a card deck if the species in question have been monitoring mankind for long enough: But just in case, let’s take a moment to explain what a card deck is and what it’s for.

More aggressive extraterrestrial races might mistake it for a message, signal or weapon and vaporize all of us because someone drew the cards too quickly.

Do Not Be Alarmed

Bridge has trumps and no trumps, but not the kind that an extraterrestrial race might think of.

Other than the card deck, we need to clarify that there’s one of these in the US Presidential Ofice and there’s one of these in a bridge game. Do not be alarmed.

Will the Closest Bridge Teachers Please Stand Up

Upon extraterrestrials landing, does the ACBL have a similar action plan as the United Nations? Appoint a committee and bridge teacher. Which of the world’s great bridge teachers do we call to save us?

No Telepathy at the Table

If there’s one thing I’ve learned about extraterrestrial races from all the books and movies that I’ve gotten to digest in a lifetime, it’s that extraterrestrial races are prone to telepathy. Of course, we’ll have to outright ban any telepathy at the table or bidding might become pointless in a human-extraterrestrial match.

The Translation Gap

What if the diference between double and redouble in a language that isn’t ours is far more obscene? There’s bound to be a translation gap. Luckily, many bridge players are professors, academics and simply multilingual, so we should be able to figure this out.

Set the Stakes

The stakes for a rubber bridge game should be agreed on way ahead of time. We wouldn’t want to find out that the extraterrestrials think we’re staking the universe halfway through the game.

“Not That Kind of Postmortem!”

The average postmortem analysis in bridge doesn’t involve the use of probing, scalpels or lasers:  think we might have to be very clear on this.